Sunday, January 15, 2012

Get with the program

"Get with the program", a phrase I have heard from my parents my whole life. It means, wake up and make something of yourself. Truth is my parents think I'm a time waster. Someone who does nothing. I love my games, but they think of them as pathetic toys or brutal killing sims.
I admit I spend a lot of time playing them, but not once have they ever asked me why. Everytime I go throguh a rough patch in my life I fill it with a game, and they just get sick of it and start rolling out the lectures that makes just want to scream and crawl up somewhere dark.

"You flicker and you're Beautifull"

I'm not in a good place and a talk with a friend who I have never confided in before (He knew a bit about me though) helped me realise this last night.
You know how it feels to be rejected. To feel like someone sliced your heart out, stomped on it and then left you to try and put it back together. Human Beings are resilient creatures, we all face this experience at least once in our lives and yet we come back for more. Amazing.

"You glow inside my head"

I recently had to do it to myself, it was hard but it saved someone else the discomfort of doing it themselves. I've been trying to convince myself I'm ok but I cried the first four night in a row, one of them at someone elses house with my best mates. I now realise, I'm not ok, I'm numbing myself with games and that helps but it starts to bring around the other problem. No longer being with the program. Not once have my parents thought to ask if things are alright.

"You hold me hypnotized"

Anyway, I'm glad I have my friends, they have my back and know whats going on, mostly... Also they have their own shit. I like hearing their problems, it helps me forget mine.

"I'm mezmerized"

So here I a, cleaning up my own heart after I persinally dumped it n the floor. This is the first time in thirteen years that I haven't had an emotional attachment to anyone. I feel empty without it. If I don't watch out I'll attach to the last person who may not have rejected me. I need to move forward. "With a little help from my friends."

1 comment:

  1. I am ALWAYS open to hugs, you're in a similar state to me right now.
    Except I resent games for making me escape reality a little too much, now :P